The dangers of bananas on FML Friday

The banana: a simple, versatile fruit delicious on cereal or mashed into bread form. You can safely feed bananas to your toothless grandpa or place them on the floor to inflict hilarious physical tragedies upon friends and family.

Yes, bananas are nature’s tasty crescent shaped miracle. They even prove the existence of God, says Hollywood behemoth Kirk Cameron. If I can’t trust a D-grade celebrity, who can I trust? Which is why I won’t be vaccinating my children. Thank you, Jenny McCarthy, for all that you do.

Yet, despite all their physical and spiritual goodness, bananas have a secret, seedy underbelly. Yes, they are ripe with sin, my friends. Today, we peel back the layers to discover the mushy, bruised darkness within.

Bone-nana

Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was happening, I’d somehow popped a boner. I had to wait for her to leave before I could stand up. FML

To be honest, I thought I was going to have to search a bit harder to find the seedy underbelly of the banana, but there it was right at the top of the fmylife.com search results: a spontaneous, incestuous banana induced erection. First of all, Zeke, this isn’t the sort of thing one shares with the internet. This is the sort of thing you keep a deep, dark secret. Push it right down there along with the time you tried to get your dog to lick peanut butter off your dick.

Stab-nana

Today, my grandmother threatened to kill herself with a banana. She then got angry with me when I didn’t attempt to get the banana away from her. My mom punished me because I didn’t take the situation seriously enough. FML

Your mom is right. Do you know how many elderly people kill themselves with bananas each year? 12,000. Now that may or may not be a number I just made up, but it is important to remember your grandmother is looney toons and you have to be careful she doesn’t get crazy creative with those bananas and make a banana peel noose. That’s how old man Mowgli did it.

Blow-nana

Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I’m bad at giving head. Let’s just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML

I’m confused. Do your lungs contain potassium because you inhaled a banana or because you got your boyfriend’s, uh, sexual leavings in there? They both contain potassium, right? Either way I think you’re confusing giving a blowjob with breathing. When you’re breathing you don’t have a penis in your mouth. Pretty big difference.

Mixed bag-nana

Today, a man with a face like a corpse’s shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he’s first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan’s ass gas. FML

Corpse’s shoe? Satan’s ass gas? I think you’re next in line to be crowned King of Metaphors. However, if your descriptions are accurate, I believe the person you were talking to was Nick Nolte. Tell him I said “hi” and to thank his mother for banana flavoured antibiotics.

Beer-nana

Today, while shopping for some bananas at my local grocery store, an old woman came up to me and started rubbing my stomach. She simply asked when I was due. I am a 43 year old man with a beer belly. FML

Yeah, bro, we know. What we want to know is when are you going to give birth to that tasty, finely aged brew?

Pay-nana

Today, I babysat the most annoying and obnoxious kids for almost eight hours, when the parents assured me that they would only be gone about three or so hours. After constant calling and worrying, they finally showed up at 11:30, completely drunk. The mother paid me with three dollars and a banana. FML

Here’s my suggestion, take that change, find a pay phone and use your banana to dial child services. Seriously, these people are clearly unfit parents. Eight hours of babysitting is worth at least five dollars and four bananas.

Image by Allen Cisneros on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.

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2 Responses to “The dangers of bananas on FML Friday”

  1. Sarah
    January 4, 2013 at 3:08 pm #

    I think this shit is bananas.

    Okay, that was terrible.

    I loved it.

    The end.

    • Adam Rozenhart
      January 5, 2013 at 7:05 pm #

      Glad you enjoyed it, Sarah. I made Gregg work HARD on it.