And Smores! OK, I only thought of smores because it contains the word “more” and I’m going camping this weekend.

But this final installment of FML Friday is themed (applause)! This week, it’s all about money!

A-like so:

Cat Power

Today, my uncle passed away, leaving me an inheritance of $800, and his forty-seven cats. FML

Woohoo! Cat Party!

Or, maybe just think of it in a Pied Piper kind of way. With just a little bit of training, this Cat Army can do your bidding!

On the other hand, you should probably just register an account at icanhascheezburger.com.

Hush money?

Today, my boyfriend actually offered me $1000 to break up with him, and to move back to where my family lives 5 hours away. FML

If you don’t feel like moving, and you want to invest in around 47 cats for companionship, I have a good line on a referral for you.

Guard your investment

Today, I was bragging endlessly to my friends about my new $900 laptop. I then tripped and dropped it down the wooden stairs. FML

That’s what you get for bragging about a bottom-of-the-line laptop, doucheknuckle. Now go buy a real computer.

Picky eater

Today, I had to go to counselling as my mother thinks I have an eating disorder. All because I didn’t want to eat the crap supermarket lasagna she bought for $2. FML

Did you explain to the counselor what a waste of time your appointment was before or after you paid them their fee? Or did you just take the money and go enjoy proper lasagna?

Cue Annie Lennox

Today, I threw a party at my girlfriend’s house before her parents came home from vacation. After the party, I found all of her mom’s favorite wine glasses broken. I spent $500 on new glasses, and wrote a huge apology for the party and the damage. She got home and told me that they were already broken. FML

ZING! I hope you have a receipt for those glasses. I also hope you didn’t explain to her HOW you think they got broken. Actually, scratch that. She probably knows. NOW GO AND BUY MATCHING DISHES!

Now, if you’re still here and haven’t shot yourself in the face from hardcore mediocrity, then read on. I guess.

The ‘list’

Today, my dad found my “list”. 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn’t, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my “organizational skills.” FML

What did you expect him to say? “I’m proud my little girl is so ambitious about the number of people she wants to sleep with”? He’s just trying to resolve with what he’s seeing on this list against the fact that you now appear to have a sexual conquest list is more than double that of most ensemble casts in film and television.

Homeless birthday

Today, I found out I’m being evicted from my apartment on my birthday. FML

Yeah, you know that’s kinda my fault. I mean, I don’t know you and I didn’t really know what to get you. And I just dislike you so much… So, I guess what I’m saying is… Happy birthday?

Poor and whiny

Today, I realized I hate the career I have spent the last 7 years and $120,000 preparing for. FML

Well, better to know now than in, say, 20 years, amiright!?

Talk to me, dance with me

Today, I bullied a kid at school, just so someone would talk to me. FML

That’s really how it starts, isn’t it? Why don’t you just put a sock on your hand and talk to it instead? Seriously, the world has enough problems without having to worry about the next Charles Manson.

Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She’s now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn’t even like it. FML

Rehab? Are you serious? I’m getting tired of the anti-smoking thing, and I hate cigarettes. How much can a single group be marginalized? Let them choke on their smoke. It’s a personal choice! Now, to the FMLer: smoke your brains out. And if you have an iPad, please betroth it to me in your will.

The ACTUAL truth is these FMLs stay at the same level of quality: bunch of first-world problems from whiny little sucks. But even after all this time, even in spite of the fact that this whole FML Friday dream ends at the end of July, all of this — THIS! — makes it worth it.

Now let’s hear it from the morons:

Breathalizer

Today, I was getting ready to go to the movies with friends. I was brushing when my dad walked into the bathroom and said I couldn’t go anymore. He thought I wanted fresh breath to make out with some guy. FML

Wow, so your dad’s a paranoid fuck, huh? What does he do when you apply deodorant? “Oh no, little missy. I won’t have any daughter of mine with one of those DISGUSTING TATTOOS polluting her body! No! Off to the convent with you!”

Oh no you di’n't, girfren!

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She happily said yes. After a few minutes of kissing, she said, “Wait, does this mean we have to live together?” FML

Aren’t you lucky! You’ve known this girl awhile, and she’s been able to fool you into thinking she’s smart enough to marry. Then, just after you get engaged, she reveals her true brain power. Just in time for you to get out of Dodge without entirely ruining your life.

Slippery when wet

Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML

WAIT! STOP! WE NEED TO GET ALANIS TO DO ANOTHER VERSION OF “ISN’T IT IRONIC”! Or, no, hang on… no we don’t. Drink some fuckin’ milk, mmmmkay?

Ai haz a sadbrow

Today, I got my sister to pluck my eyebrows. She shaped them wrong, so now I look constantly sad. FML

I’m going to assume you feel sad about this as well. Does that mean, then, that because of your sadbrows, you look REALLY sad? Like, suicidal, even? I bet if you feel happy and where that winning smile, you just look like you have a neutral expression. Oh, yeah: sad.

Never turn your back on the… uh, artificial ocean

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

Oh man! That’s badass! Did someone videotape it? Did they send it to FAIL Blog? SHOW ME THE EVIDENCE OF THIS HILARITY!

Take it away, Swami!

One small step for weirdo…

Today, the first step I took this morning resulted in a blood-gushing cut on my foot. FML

Swami says, “Don’t throw stones in a glass house, because if you do — maybe while sleep-walking or something — you’re going to wake up and fuck up your feet on all the broken glass.”

Social media for weight-loss (ask us how!)

Today, I posted a picture on Facebook. Somebody commented on it, saying “I notice you have a treadmill in your basement, try using it.” 21 people liked the comment in about 15 minutes. FML

Swami says, “It takes a village to raise a child, and it takes a group of friends on Facebook to make you realize that you actually are a chubby fat-ass.”

Wand compensation

Today, I got a tattoo based on the Harry Potter books. My dad’s response was “I now fully understand why you’re still single.” FML

Swami says, “The meek shall inherit the earth, but a dork like you is going to need more than a Patronus spell to keep your ass from being kicked when people see your lame tattoo.”

A rube and his car

Today, I lost my car in a bet that Germany would crush Spain in the World Cup. FML

Swami says, “A fool and his money are soon parted, but it takes a special kind of asshole to ignore the wisdom of Paul the Octopus and lose his car in the process.”

Coming out of the closet

Today, I finally got around to organizing my closet. Discarded clothes fell into three distinct categories: Too Small, Yellow Pits, Stained with Food. FML

Swami says, “Often a noble face hides filthy ways, but even a lazy, entitled noble has the good sense to launder his clothes before they’re discarded in his closet, you sick fuck.”

But you have us for the next four weeks. The beginning of the end!

A blond walks into a bar…

Today, I went on a second date with this guy I really liked. It was going well until his friend popped in our date and began telling blonde jokes. My date joined in and told blonde jokes for the remainder of our date. I’m Jenny, his very blonde date. FML

Blond jokes? Did you go back in time to 1988 to go on this date or something? Tell the retard parade to cram it, and go date a real man (preferably a brunette).

Jelly nose

Today, I broke my nose opening a jar of jelly. FML

This is a feat… of what I’m not sure. You know you’re supposed to use your hands to open a jar of jelly and not a gas-powered pogo stick, right?

Hobo hootenanny

Today, I was walking home from work when a hobo checked me out, asking which alley I live in. FML

You need to be more sensitive. The only world this poor beggar knows is the hobo world. He’s looking for someone he can relate to. And you’re judging him because he thinks you’re a hobo? How about fuck you?

Mother’s day

Today, it was my mother’s birthday. I wanted to be nice this year, and give her roses, chocolate, and a book of tips on how to stay young. She yelled at me for accusing me of thinking she’s an old wrinkly granny. FML

Listen dude, if you can’t see why this would piss your mom off, you’re beyond help. The book completely nullifies the other two gifts. You can claim she misinterpreted your gesture, just like I can claim that you’re an insensitive prick.

Sun spots

Today, I got so sunburnt, I now share a color palette with a tomato. FML

Literally FOR DECADES, meteorologists, other scientists, parents, teachers… damn near everyone has been advising people to do two things: wear sunscreen, and don’t spend all your time out in the sun. Since you haven’t been listening for 30 years, you deserve to have a tomato-like complexion.

Are you ready?

That’s what friends are for

Today, was the third day of my camping trip with my “friends”. I woke up in my boxers with my hand glued to my forehead. FML

This was a demonstration of your friends’ love for you, even though it seems totally counter-intuitive. Stop being such a pussy and up the ante.

Grey skies are gonna clear up

Today, a powerful thunderstorm rolled through my area. I’d forgotten I’d left my sunroof open. FML

If this is all you have to complain about — I mean, fuck you for having a sunroof, pal — then you’re got it good. Grab some towels and turn that frown upside down.

To infinite! And bey-bleeeeerrraaaaagh

Today, I saw Toy Story 3 with my mom. At some point, she emptied her soda and filled her cup with alcohol from a flask. Eventually, she puked all over the little kid sitting in front of her. FML

Your mom is actually awesome. Nothing beats one-upping a kid at a movie by puking on him before he turns around and pukes on you!

Fish heads, fish heads

Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was “You smell awful.” I work in a fish store. FML

You work at a fish store, huh? Then he was probably right: you smell awful. Our condolences.

BBZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzZZ!

Today, the Vuvuzela that my brother ordered online was delivered to our house. FML

Dude: that sucks.

THAT DAY HAS ARRIVED.

So on top of my own contribution, we have two more from the overworked Lilwall, whose insights into the lives of these FMLers far exceeds my own.

I know how you feel

Today, I woke up in an emergency room. Why? I hyperventilated and passed out when I found out that my favorite video game is getting a sequel. FML

So, you clearly overreacted. Winding up in the ER because you were that excited is astonishing. Maybe you were hanging out with some alarmist friends who had no idea what to do (for example, I’d have poured a glass of water over your face, and slapped you around a bit. If you were still unresponsive, I’d probably have watched a episode of TNG — you know, the one where the Continuum takes Q’s powers away? — and then if you were still passed out, I’d have brought you to the vet clinic. Because My vet’s a good friend, and I imagine he’d be able to revive you just like he would a cat or a dog).

But I imagine I’d have reacted the same way. In fact, I nearly did when I found out about Fallout: New Vegas. I was all like, “ZOMG!!!1!!eleven FALLOUT NEW VEGAS” and I started dancing around the room pretending to be a Raider. But not a bad Raider. More like a hard-edged Raider who probably wouldn’t just kill a Wastelander Wanderer for no reason, unless they had something I wanted.

Also, I would kill Super Mutants.

But again, this is all going to depend upon the video game in question. I wish I knew what it was because then I’d be able to determine whether or not you’re a total idiot. But given that you decided to share your story with the random people on FMyLife, I’m going with “total idiot.”

Man down

Today, I was hanging out in the pool with my friend, when a really hot guy walked my way. I really liked him, so the next time I saw him, I ‘accidentally’ bumped into him. He slipped and fell into the deep end of the pool. Little did I know, he couldn’t swim. I had to call a lifeguard. FML

I’ll admit, when I first read this one, I didn’t know what to think about this person’s courtship ritual. Perhaps I am old-fashioned, but when I see someone that I find attractive I drop anything that I’m doing, like preforming CPR, to go introduce myself. But, as I though harder on it, I realized that you actually went about this the right way. The first step to starting a relationship with this water-phobic hunk is to get him to notice you.

And you did! I’m sure that when he was looking up from the bottom of the pool, the bubbles from what he assumed would be his last breath floating past, he could make out your silhouette standing at the water’s edge. As his lungs burned and mind dulled from the lack of oxygen, the edges of his vision would have narrowed until it was only you. His chest would have tighten with attraction. Desire. Lack of air.

So keep it up, girlfriend. I hope you got his number when the lifeguard was pulling his unconscious form from the pool. Give the guy a couple days to recover before calling him up. On your first date, perhaps you could meet him at the door by headbutting him in the nose. And make sure that if you go out to dinner, ask the waiter to sneak something that the guy is deathly allergic to into the meal.

Trust me, he will never forget your name. Which he will need to fill out the request for a restraining order.

Always know where your towel is

Today, my brother came over and threw a fit because I didn’t have any soda. Sick of his whining, I took all the toilet paper out of the bathroom so he’d have to beg me for something to wipe his butt with. Instead, when my brother came out of the bathroom after taking a dump, he told me I would need to wash my towels. FML

Most advice columnists would say that you and your brother have a communication problem. But, most advice columnists are idiots. You guys communicate with something more effective than words: terrorism. If you had just told him that his whining bothered you, he might not have gotten the clue. Just like how you are now fully aware of how much your brother loves having a clean ass. These are things words cannot fully explain.

So, instead of telling you to change your ways, i just made a quick list of other tactics you can use when he does something that bothers you.

• Doesn’t put the toilet seat down when using your washroom: set fire to his room. (See last week’s FML post if you need help.)
• Forgets to pick you up at the airport: try to get him deported to a country that waterboards people for traffic violations.
• Borrows a CD and doesn’t return it: try to drown him. (#2 can show you how.)
• Forgets your birthday: Kneecap him with a powerdrill. He’ll never walk again.

You seem pretty creative, so do whatever feels right. Because nothing will help you guys connect as adults like acting like the miserable little shits you must have been when you were both kids.

That’s all that I’m legally obligated to do for today. Than you very much to Adam for letting me live my dream as an advice columnist. Now to move on to my next project: “Lady-Killer Dragon-Mouth,” my planned series of sexy, sexy fantasy novels.

Oh sure, I put it off again. But rather than suffer through having to write clever responses to stupid FMLs (which, now that I think about it, is kinda like “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions” in MAD Magazine), I’ve enlisted the help of the Twitter hive mind. Unknown Studio pals Jeff, Jen and Lilwall provide answers to what ails you in this week’s edition of me passing the buck. Enjoy and have a great weekend!

Halloween and realism

Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML

@journalistjeff: “First off, they have illustrated FMLs!!! So, that’s cool.

“Now, onto the topic at hand. F your L? F YOUR L?! What are you talking about? That guy may or may not be a coke head, but he’s a zombie fighting machine. And we may or may not need those one day. Soon.

“He was ready for the zombie invasion. Heck, he’s probably not even on cocaine. Or cola. He’s probably just been preparing for the zombiepocalypse and what you mistook for a twitchy, nervous drug addict was just keen zombie preparedness. He’s going to need that edge, and heightened senses when the dead rise again.

“Unless he’s just a coke head and you live in a terrible neighbourhood. Then your L may be F’d. But I’m siding with the zombie-fighter.”

Big baby Coin-face

Today, I was playing my guitar and singing on the street corner. I did earn money, when some guy threw a quarter out of his car window for me. It hit me in the face. I now have a circle shaped bruise under my eye. FML

@steenyweeny: “Wow hippie, talk about glass half empty — you’ve got this all backwards. The guy in the car helped you out in two ways.

“First of all, you have some money now and money is great. I suggest that you use the money to buy a frozen tofu steak to put on your eye, so that the swelling doesn’t get out of control. Secondly, you have a bruise on your face, and chicks dig scars. What you need to do is think of a better explanation as to how it got there. Try something like you were rescuing some kittens or protesting against the seal hunt, because everyone likes stories that involve cute baby animals.

“So now you have your nice, big (but not too big thanks to that tofu steak) bruise, and new story about how you got it when you were struck in the face while rescuing some kittens. You take this bruise and story down to drum circle tonight and BAM! that cute chick won’t be able to resist you! She’ll come home with you, you’ll fall in love, get married and have lots of little patchouli babies.

“You can thank both me and the guy in the car on your wedding day.”

You’re fired… get it?

Today, I wanted to impress my girlfriend with a cool fire breathing trick I learned online, and ended up burning half her room. She’s pressing charges. FML

@scott_lilwall: “I’ll admit, I am a bit iffy on if this FML offering is real. Not because the guy says he learned fire-breathing to impress women: that rings true with me. Whenever I hit the bar, I pull out every circus trick I know to woo the ladies – sword-swallowing, eating lightbulbs, that kind of thing. Sometimes, when someone really catches my eye, I’ll even show them Wiggles, the conjoined twin I have growing out of my abdomen. Cause I’m a playa like that.

“So, it’s not the fire-breathing thing that smells fishy. It’s the fact that he learned it on the Internet. I’ve been on the Internet almost four times, and there is nothing educational on it. Just dyslexic cats, narcoleptic dogs and the porn in every colour of the rainbow. A perverted rainbow you can look at for only $29.99 a month.

“So, Mr. Lady-Killer Dragon-Mouth, I think you are a liar. But, on the off chance you aren’t, here’s my advice: your chances with this girl are over. ‘Setting fire to her room’ is third on my list of Relationship Ending Moves. (Number two is ‘sleeping with her sister.’ Number one combines the two in to ‘setting her sister on fire.’)

“So, she is going to dump you. But don’t worry, because you have a skill that has you set for life: lung capacity. Seriously. I’ve seen fire-breathers before. They usually have enough oomph in the old chest for an impressive, but brief flash of flame. You are able to take out half a room! That’s a sustained blast. With lung power like that, you have the pick of sexy professions. Like, a diver who salvages gold dubloons from pirate ships. Or a garbage man.

“Not as hot as ‘guy with a deformed, shrieking twin growing out of his side,’ no. But still, you’ll do alright for yourself.”

Our only solace is our high-and-might attitudes, particularly when it comes to the mouth-breathing dinks who frequent the FMyLife.com website. It’s time to give these douchebags what-for. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do.

From behind

Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, “I need a nap,” but my iPhone changed it to “I need anal.” I sent it. FML

Hahahahaha!

Ha!

Ha!

…

Hahahahahaha!

You must have been typing so fast and then smashing the every-loving shit out of that send button to have made such a terrible (or serendipitous, depending on your outlook) mistake. What I want to know is what happened next. Are you a man/woman of your word? Did you think, “Well, I really could have used a nap, but I said what I said, and I’m sticking to it”? Because that would have been the honourable thing to do.

You can sleep when you’re dead.

Rookie mistake

Today, I was told that I do not meet the minimum qualifications for a job that I was promised to get by just applying. To top it off, I had to quit my teaching job to get it, because I could not be under contract and apply for this job. FML

I like to think I know a thing or two about job hunting, applying for jobs, and even occasionally getting jobs. And all the dominant wisdom on the subject says that you should never quit your job unless you have a solid, on-paper offer that you’ve signed, sealed and delivered (there’s a second cliché for you… stay tuned for the third and final one). I fail to see how you can’t apply for a job just because you’re under contract. If that were the case, then it would be a total mystery as to how people move on to new positions.

You’re a gullible little sod, and I’m sorry you lost your job. But to borrow a common phrase from FMyLife.com: you deserved it.

The old pressed flesh trick

Today, after staying at my boyfriend’s house for the first time, I got in the shower. His bathroom door doesn’t lock, so half way through my shower he walked in. Trying to be sexy, I pressed myself up against the glass, which turned out the be a door that opens outwards. I fell on the floor. FML

You’re dumb. Plain and simply an idiot.

Few showers have doors that swing open (as opposed to sliding open) into the shower — only ones built by short-sighted idiots. So if you’d paused to think about for even a split second, you’d have realized what an ill-advised — and frankly a decidedly unsexy — attempt at seduction that was.

They say love means never having to say your sorry (cliché #3!), but you should apologize for making an ass of yourself.

I mean, you think you have it bad? You’ve got nothing on the guy whose dog shat on him, or the woman who was crushed by a television set… Actually, both of those people totally deserved it (as I’m certain you’ll agree). The dude who didn’t deserve what he got, though, was the man who wound up with a face full of spiders.

I know, right? Just read on for the gory details.

Road trip!

Today, while driving from Dallas, Texas, to San Diego, California, my wife’s dog decided to crawl into my lap and poop on me. I didn’t have a change of clothes. FML

I’m a bit ignorant when it comes to the distances between American cities. And while I know that Texas and California are in the same general area of the states (you know, sort of south and west), I don’t know how far apart Dallas and San Diego are. But it’s an important thing to know, because it will determine whether or not you, sir, are a giant, filthy knob of a person.

Dallas and San Diego are 2,192 km apart. That’s at least a 21 hour drive, if Google is telling me what it should be. So, if you’re driving for essentially two days, and you don’t have a change of clothes, you’re a fucking dolt. AND if you are transporting an animal — and let’s face it, animals can be dirty and messy — without a change of clothes, not only are you a fucking dolt, but you’re one of the reasons we should reconsider eugenics.

I mean honestly, what the hell were you thinking? Do you always fail to pack a change of clothes? Did you expect you’d just buy whatever you needed when you got to San Diego? Did you think because it’s California you wouldn’t actually need clothes?

Please, don’t ever reproduce.

What did TV ever do to you?

Today, I fell down the stairs carrying a huge TV. Don’t worry, my body cushioned the TV’s fall. FML

Is the TV ok? Does it still work? DO YOU GET HBO?!

Here’s an idea for you, dipshit: get someone to help you next time. Good lord.

ZOMG Spiders!

Today, I saw some moss growing on my house. Not wanting it to spread, I began to scrape it off. It turns out that it wasn’t moss, but actually a cluster of hundreds of baby spider eggs. After being disturbed, they decided to hatch, and crawled all over me. I suffer from arachnophobia. FML

OK yuck. This is one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever heard. If this happened to me, I think I’d probably kill myself — after pooping and peeing my pants.

Just thinking about this makes me want to vomit. Remember the movie Arachnophobia? Great movie, but more or less solidified by distaste for the little guys. Not even a protracted discussion with an entymologist helped to improve my perception of them.

Ugh, spiders.

Besides, if I’m not here to hook you up with your weekly dose of “hate-tanking” as my good pal Sally might say, then what good am I? I’ll tell you what good I am: not good at all.

So, instead of jamming out on you early this long weekend, I bring you what you’ve waited for all week: some FML Friday action.

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. FML

So, you booted him out of bed, right? And told him to get psychiatric help, right?

Listen, I know some sexual health professionals insist that people to sensitive to the kinks of others. Sex is a highly personal thing, and what works for one person might not work for someone else. But presumably your boyfriend is aware that his particular kink is unusual. And that if he’s going to bust it out, he should probably give you at least a bit of a heads up.

This is really less an FML and more of a #fail.

Today, I was fired from work for faking sick to go to a concert. I asked the boss how he figured out, and he said, “On the 10 o’clock news, I saw you drunk at the bar talking about the show.” I was wearing a chicken suit, and was completely hammered. FML

I’ve always tried to avoid cameras — both still and video — when I’m out and about. Unless I’m deliberately seeking out media attention, keep that stuff away from me. And that’s when I haven’t lied to my employer about being sick.

This is, really again, more an example of your own epic failure than of an FML. I mean, you can feel sorry for yourself all you want. But you clearly brought this on yourself. And an additional note: a chicken suit clearly doesn’t work as an effective disguise. A further additional note: you’re a moron.

Today, I learned my boyfriend had another girlfriend, his excuse was he was bipolar and each of his personalities need a girlfriend. FML

And apparently neither of you has any idea of what bipolar disorder actually is. It doesn’t mean you experience multiple personalities, so much as dramatic swings in mood from extreme euphoria to extreme depression.

You’re boyfriend is clearly using some dumb excuse to cheat. Which makes your relationship a fail. Not an epic one. Actually just a disappointing one.

Like today.

We have three people, with three people in their lives who are utter idiots. Who take away from, rather than enrich, the lives of the authors. So while my approach to each entry will vary, the advice will ultimately be the same (which I realize spoils some of the tension I’m trying to build up).

And that advice is to ditch ‘em.

A-like so:

Snot blanket

Today, I caught my boyfriend blowing his nose on my blanket. After yelling at him and refusing to use the blanket to sleep with, he tells me I might as well sleep with the blanket because this isn’t the first time he’s blown his nose on it. I have been wrapping myself in a snot blanket for months. FML

Before I even explain why, my advice is simple: ditch him. Most women (that I know, anyway) are looking for guys who are at least moderately intelligent and also sensitive. Actually, strike that. Most PEOPLE are looking for someone like that. Unfortunately your boyfriend displays neither of these tendencies.

What he does successfully is display the maturity and sensitivity of a psychopath. Hence the advice to ditch him.

Ditch him. But first, buy him a warehouse pack of kleenex. Then, before you boot his ass out the door, give him a pamphlet on the proper nose-blowing method.

Dog day-off

Today, I went to my boss at work to request a few days off to see my sister. She’s flying here to spend a weekend with us before she deploys for 2 years.  My boss denied my request. Why? Because he wanted those days off. To spend at home with his dog. FML

Your boss is a jerk. Ditch him, ditch the job, and work for someone whose head isn’t shoved up one of their own body cavities.

I’m assuming you mentioned your reasons for needing time off. Because your sister is conceivably going to a place for an extended period of time where you won’t be able to visit her, and where the potential for death is pretty high. Meanwhile, your boss wants to roll around in his backyard with his mutt. You really, really should have told him to stuff it.

Hopefully you still can.

Dog diet

Today, my mom decided our whole family is going on a diet. Why? Because the vet told us our dog is overweight, and she “didn’t want Twix to suffer alone.” FML

You dog is named Twix? And it’s overweight? So your mom’s response is to force you all to go on a diet? I know this might sound harsh, but it’s time to ditch your mom. She’s nuts.

I don’t want to get into the strange psychology of naming a dog Twix and then being surprised that it becomes fat. There’s probably a pop psych theory there. And while you should probably be eating healthily anyhow, I don’t think your dog is going to notice that it’s food has changed and yours hasn’t. And even if it does, it’s not going to be able to reason about why that is. And frankly, dogs will eat anything so it probably isn’t going to experience a ton of distress about a changed diet.

But sweet gods, tell your mom to give her head a shake. Then tell her you’d rather not speak to her until she gets her shit together, brain-wise. Because, my friend, this is the tip of the iceburg. Next stop: dementia!

But I’m really sorry I didn’t get this to you sooner. I hope I didn’t ruin your weekend.

Now let’s get this bizarre show on the road!

For every action…

Today, I thought it would be funny to put peanut butter in my roommate’s ears. He thought it would be funny to shave off my eyebrows later while I was sleeping. FML

Were you born yesterday? Because it sounds like you were.

The pranking world is a complicated one. And by complicated, I mean dead simple. It’s a tit for tat world out there, and you can’t expect to jam peanut butter into someone’s ears and walk away to carry on about your life.

So, sure, you can squeal about how fucked your life is… or you can paint some eyebrows on your face get out there and BE SOMEBODY.

Importance of home inspections

Today, I discovered the house my family and I just moved into is infested with termites. FML

When you “just move into” a house, I like to think you’ve done some research. You know whether or not it faces north or south, you know how bright some of the rooms are… and you know if insects are going out of their way to fully decimate the substructure of your home.

Before you move in, as a general rule, you’re meant to conduct a move-in inspection. A proper, detailed one. Hell, I think you’re supposed to do that even before you BUY the house.

What I’m getting at is that I have exactly no sympathy for you. Your life may be fucked, but you, sir, deserve it for not doing the whole due diligence thing.

The importance of being honest

Today, I heard my roommate complaining about me not cleaning the bathtub after I shower. What I can’t tell her is that I haven’t taken a shower in 2 days because I’ve been swamped with schoolwork and that the filth in the tub is her own. FML

Time to nut up or shut up. Why can’t you tell her she’s filthy? Is it because you don’t shower for two days at a time, and then shed a layer of dirt into the tub? Moron.

I think there’s a distinct possibility she wasn’t just talking about the filthy tub over the last few days. I’ll assume there’s a fairly good chance she’s talking about it now because it’s been ongoing. Sure, she makes the tub dirty, but you don’t shower for days at a time. You wallow in your own filth while you study.

You need to clean the bathtub.

Here at the Unknown Studio, it means “A day where we make fun of the ninnies and dorks who feel the need to document their failing at FmyLife.com.”

And rather than indulge that documentation, we give ‘em what for. A-like so:

Labourious labours

Today, I just finished a sixteen hour double shift. I now have a five hour break before I start again for another ten. FML

I’d like to introduce you to a concept called labour laws. I’m not sure how it works in the US (which is where I assume most netizens are from, what with affluence, Al Gore and DARPA and all that), but here in Canada we have a series of laws related to employment. And, at least in the place where I live, those laws state, and I quote:

“Shift Changes and Rest Between Shifts
“An employee must be notified in writing about a shift change 24 hours beforehand. Employees must get at least eight hours rest between shifts.”

You see that? My government legally obligates me employer to, basically, let me get some fuckin’ sleep. I suggest you sort out your employment rights, then sit your employer down and educate them as well.

Bum-lookers

Today, my doctor and I had an in-depth discussion about how to wipe my ass better. FML

Wow. Really?

Wow.

One more time: wow.

There’s a NOFX song about a dude wanting to get a sex change. And he knows, after this sex change, that he must wipe front to back. Because who wants a bladder infection?

But I’m going to assume you just half-ass (no pun intended) your wiping. Which is despicable. How much should one wipe? As much as is needed so you are clean back there. Nuff. Fuckin’. Said.

Circle of Dumbass

Today, I was bored at home and decided to do the Circle of Life from the Lion King with my rabbit. He started kicking violently as I was holding him up, causing me to drop him directly on my face. A chunk of my eyebrow is now missing, and I look exactly like Scar. FML

I see the wisdom of the jungle has been lost on you, my child. The wisdom, as I understand it, goes something like this: don’t fuck with with a animal whose feet as the size of your face. Particularly when that animal is an excitable rodent that has exactly nothing to do with the Disney classic Lion King.

Honestly, I have a cat. Probably about the same brain-size as a rabbit. And she doesn’t care to be held aloft and sung at either. Both of those things separately, she might enjoy, but if you put them together… Let’s just say it only works on lion cubs, you dumb shit.

No, I’m kidding. I don’t want to Eff my Anything. The new jorb’s going well. The people are nice, my boss hasn’t tried to kill me (except with extreme hot and cold temperatures in my office — something he attributes to “the building” [where the building is obviously someone or someTHING that wants to kill me. FML]), and I have a sweet office, as I mentioned before.

And while all those things might delay me in posting this — those things and my own failure to recall that yesterday was Thursday — they are here for you know, in fabulous internet style.

Enjoy the rage!

The best kind of rejection

Today, I received a rejection letter from a potential employer in the form of a post card. FML

Rejection letters are hard to take. You get your hopes up after the interview, you sit and wait by the phone hoping that someone — ANYONE! — will call and tell you that you are entitled to a salary because of your skills. And then you receive a post card.

A post card? How could you possibly be peeved about this?!

Given the fact that you’re an FML contributor, it stands to reason you’ll receive many more employment rejection letters, and I’ll wager that not a single one will be written on a post card. So you’re one of the lucky few to get the old “Wish you were here” message superimposed on an image of a white-sand beach in Mexico, and on the back, the message, “Actually I don’t wish you were here.”

It could be worse, pal. You could have received a form letter. So impersonal. And so not from Mexico.

Wed-a-Cheater!

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me. When I caught him, he proposed to me. Something is wrong here. FML

WOW, I know, RIGHT? I mean you must be POSITIVELY hearing ALARM BELLS, am I right?! Like, who DOES that?

OK, OK, to be fair your statement, “Something is wrong here” was probably meant to be all ironical and shit. Except, here’s the thing. This is FMyLife. So any kind of nuance or little trick you’re trying to pull off with your writing will be TOTALLY LOST ON EVERYONE.

So you have three problems:

1. Your boyfriend’s a douche
2. Your boyfriend’s a douche who wants to marry you
3. You cannot even do something as simple as consider your audience before you sit down at a keyboard.

FML indeed!

Keeping 187 in the family

Today, after school, my mom called me into the family room to see my cousin who was on TV. I ran in, all excited to find that my cousin was on the news for killing someone. FML

I don’t have much to say about this one, except that you’re a selfish sack of shit. Your COUSIN was on the news for KILLING SOMEONE. How is your life effed in any way? Oh sure, it might be effed by association, but get a fucking grip. Your COUSIN is the one who should be writing in the FMYLife.

But I suppose that would count as his one phone call wouldn’t it?

But before any of that happens, we need to look into the dismal lives of FML contributors. Anchors away!

Read between the lines

Today, I left my reading glasses on my bed before leaving for work and didn’t listen to my instinct to move them. I got home after a long day and sat on my bed. Guess who needs new glasses? FML

Listen, I don’t think human being have evolved to the point where we’ve developed instinct about the placement of visual aids. I think you’re just a lazy idiot. Honestly, leaving glasses on the bed — not the bedside table, mind you, but the actual bed — is essentially a guarantee that they’re going to be ruined.

When I get home, I’ll head to my bedroom and before I do anything else (like change into something less business-y) I will actually fall onto the bed. There’s a very good reason why I don’t store thumbtacks, anti-personnel mines, or glasses on my bed.

Cat falls

Today, I was relaxing in a recliner with my cat sleeping on my chest. My cat started to fall off, so she grabbed my neck with her claws to pull herself back up. FML

See, there’s always a risk when it comes to cats, because they are horribly be-weaponed creatures and they will use their weapons in a variety of situations. And you’re probably thinking, “Boohoo, it’s not fair, what did I ever do to my cat.” The answer is, you let your cat sleep on your chest.

I let my cat do this too, but I have the good sense to ensure she isn’t positioned in such a way as to cause me significant harm. You know, like moving her around and adjusting her so she has to reason to gouge my skin out.

This is risky business, this cat snuggling game. And you, my friend, got burned. Look on the bright side: you’ll probably be terrified at your cat now, because you strike me as that kind of overdramatic buffoon.

Lock mess

Today, I accidentally locked my keys in my car. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the spare keys weren’t lost. FML

This is a weak FML. Where’s the punch? Where’s the panache? Where’s the drama? Where’s the something I can make fun of, other than the fact that you’re terribly boring?

Oh wait, I found it: you suck. Millions of people lock their keys in their car every day. And many of them don’t have spares, so you know what they do? They find themselves a coat hanger, or they call the AMA and they get their shit unlocked.

What they don’t do: piss and moan about how hard their life is on some creepy microblog.

And let me tell you, fair reader, WE MEAN BUSINESS. We mean it in both official languages. We mean it in Esperanto. But since no one speaks Esperanto, we’ll just deliver the straight goods like we always do: in straight-up, unadulterated, rage-filled English.

Happy FML Friday!

Lap it up

Today, someone thought it would be fun to throw their scorching hot coffee out the window onto the sidewalk. It hit me in the snow globes. FML

I would LOVE to see you walking down the street, back arched, nose pointed directly to the sky, with your junk leading the way. That’s the only way you could have possibly had your jibblies scalded by some errant coffee.

I feel like this is that “Second Spitter” episode of Seinfeld, where Jerry debunks Kramer’s theory that Keith Hernandez spat on him after a Yankees game. I’d wager there is no possible way your “snow globes” — and really, who calls them that? — took the brunt of the caffeine assault you were allegedly subjected to.

Next time you completely fabricate an FML, at least ensure it stands up to scrutiny.

Super-G, wheelchair edition

Today, I was racing downhill on my brother’s wheelchair while he was taking a nap. As the road made a small tilt, I lost control and ran into the curb. I broke my ankle. FML

Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it. YOU STOLE YOUR BROTHER’S WHEELCHAIR. I’m sorry to shout, but this certainly merits at least that. If I were standing in front of you, I would smack you on your broken ankle. And I wouldn’t sign your cast.

Maybe leave the seat-jockeying to those with the locomotive experience to manage wheelchairs, yes? They’re like vehicles. And you clearly shouldn’t be operating one.

Fix it!

Today, the doctor told me the abdominal pain I’ve been feeling for the past four days is actually appendicitis and I need to have surgery tonight. I’m living in a third world country attending vet school. There are goats in the parking lot, my final exams are next week, and my birthday is in four days. FML

OK, dipshit, let me simplify this for you: YOU HAVE APPENDICITIS. Whatever your situation, whatever you have planned next week, whenever your birthday is, just forget it. All those considerations are completely irrelevant.

Because YOU HAVE APPENDICITIS. Do you know what happens if it goes untreated? Your appendix could burst, your body would become sceptic I mean “septic” (thanks Alain!), and you’d die. So fuck everything else. Find a surgeon — in another country nearby if you have to — and get yourself sorted out.

Once you’ve done that, maybe reconsider your decision to go to vet school in a third world country that doesn’t provide healthcare.

A. Tumblr.
B. Festivus.
C. Nothing else.

But still netizens post their thoughts and sadness. And so, today, in the spirit of Jesus Christ, who was hatched from a Easter Egg laid by the bunny from Donnie Darko, I present to you the “That Sucks” edition of FML Friday, wherein I try to remain sympathetic to the plight of the pathetic.

Just this once.

Dear John…

Today, I finally received a letter from my wife. I am stationed in Afghanistan. It was written by her lawyer. FML

WHAT DID THE LETTER SAY!?

Just joking. That sucks, dude, but I understand it isn’t terribly uncommon.

And I know it seems like a travesty that you’ve been dodging bullets and following orders while your wife contemplates your marriage and decides to issue this letter without a word of mention to you, but that’s life.

I’m hopeful for you that you’ll eventually find a partner who understands your sacrifices, respects your choice to serve your country and doesn’t run off like some thankless hag when the chips are down.

Best of luck to you, and stay safe out there.

Corny and Nutty

Today, I found out that I don’t digest almonds and popcorn very well. Every time I use the bathroom, it feels like I’m sandpapering my butthole. FML

Yikes. That really sucks.

And you paint a lovely, descriptive picture, don’t you? Popcorn kernels are basically impossible for you to digest in the small amount of time it takes them to pass through your body. But it really sounds like you need to chew your food more, rather than just inhale it.

Still, I sympathize. It sounds painful. Just take your time eating, enjoy the flavours and remember what goes in must come out.

Texts from April Fools Day

Today, there’s nothing worse than thinking it’s funny to send your wife a text on the morning of April fools Day telling her you think she’s having an affair, only for her to phone you back sobbing and saying “I’ve been waiting for months to tell you…” FML

Oh dude. That totally sucks. Talk about a bad joke backfiring.

But I’m all about looking at the bright side in this particular post. So let’s do that:

Now you know. The terms under which you found out are absolutely terrible, but it’s out there in the open and now you can figure out where you go from here. And honestly, it was a terrible joke. I’d wager you don’t make a joke like that unless you’re extremely close with your partner (and it doesn’t seem like you are), or you suspect something.

In any case, cry your tears and get busy moving on. Best of luck to you!

@trevolutions and @mspixieriot join me this week in taking the mick out of some of the sad sacks who feel the need to share their woe-is-me views with the world. The sort of sharing that makes you shake your head and not feel pity for these people, but instead experience the sensation of rage.

Before I write more poorly constructed sentences, let’s get on with this week’s edition of FML Friday!

Vegas, baby!

by @trevolutions

Today, I found out that what happens in Vegas, stays on Facebook and bank statements. FML

OK. So let me get this straight. You went to Vegas, had probably a great time (how could you not?), came home and saw a few PG-rated pics on Facebook and realized you spent too much money… So where does the FML come in? Seriously.

News flash: You were in Vegas! You are supposed to spend a lot of money — that is why you go to Vegas. Vegas was designed purely to take your money… and get you laid. Those are the only two reasons why anybody would go and you accomplished at least one of them. Congrats.

How about an FML that says, “I went to Vegas, came home and saw myself on Bangbus.” Now that’s a FML I can get behind. That’s an FML I can persuade myself to do a little more investigative reporting on.

A modest proposal

by @mspixieriot

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years said he wanted me to meet him for dinner at an upscale restaurant to ask me a very important question. I got really dressed up thinking a proposal was coming on. Did he propose? No, he asked me if he could date other people. FML

Oh, honey, I’m going to cut right to the chase on this one: do not assume that he thinks about marriage as much as you do. You may live and breathe for the image of yourself in a white dress walking down the aisle to a string quartet, but I can just about guarantee you that he doesn’t. For every time that you’ve imagined what song you’ll dance your first dance to, he’s imagined something more along the lines the two of you hanging out and having a good time together.

A lot of things in life are more important than white weddings and diamond engagement rings. Most guys, and a lot of women, can see that. To the rest of us, an important question is any one that affects your life or relationship at all, from “What kind of car should I buy?” to “What would our commutes be like if I moved across the city?”. If you can’t wrap your head around that, and you’re convinced that fancy restaurant plus important question equals proposal, you’re building yourself up for this letdown all on your own.

I do agree that his question sucks, though. Look on the (sort of) bright side – at least he respected you enough to be honest with you.

The most ancient and auspicious of dances

by @bingofuel

Today, the dance pole that my roommate, friend, and I bought and put up a week ago broke into four pieces. It was $225.00. Also, there is now a hole in our wall and my landlord is coming to put the air conditioning in soon. FML

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait — DANCE POLE? Please. To. Elaborate.

Look, I’m no pervert. I’m just a normal dude whose ears naturally perk up when a girl says the following things: “dance pole,” “roommate,” “friend,” “and I.”

You girls must have really been reefing on this thing for it to break into four pieces. I imagine a scene involving acrobatics, the defiance of gravity, and some tasteful music selections. But I’m also a 30-year-old dude with the emotional maturity of a 15-year-old, so take that for what it is.

In any event, I really hope the three of you replace your pole and keep up the practice. BECAUSE IT’S GOOD EXERCISE.

Hey, we understand the occasional need to bitch. But do so in a productive way. Do so in a way that isn’t completely fabricated. And do so in a way that doesn’t make you sound more or less like a complete and utter knob.

Life’s hard. We know this. Philosophers and social scientists the world over have expounded upon it. In the words of Tallahassee in Zombieland: “Time to nut up or shut up.”

And most of you should really, really just shut up.

Like a scene from Total Recall

Today, I was walking down the hallway when someone opened a door, smashing it into me. The bump makes it look like I have a third boob. FML

OK, so you either have the biggest bump in human history, or the smallest breasts on record. I can’t see there being any middle ground here.

But there’s obviously something I’m missing here, because most human beings walk with a gait such that their head is thrust slightly forward of the rest of their body. We’re taught to have better posture than this, but most people don’t. This actually leads me to believe that you actually do have the smallest breasts on record, because you were walking in such a way as to deliberately accentuate them, which as you now know is actually really dangerous.

Just be careful with those things, OK?

An infinite number of monkeys…

Today, I learned that in Japan there are monkeys that wait tables and work at a tavern. Literally, I have a job a monkey can do. FML

You’d be surprised how many different sophisticated tasks monkeys can perform. But before you sit there the rest of the day wallowing in self-pity, I recommend you really consider what waiting tables involves, at its core: bringing people stuff. People point to the menu, mention an item, and you bring it.

Now the big differentiator between you and a monkey is that you can actually speak, explain, flirt (unless we’re talking about a terribly sophisticated monkey), and really work for those tips. I would suggest that unless you’re functioning only in a work-to-rule capacity, you have nothing to worry about from the monkey-waiter population.

Besides, the Japanese are terribly sophisticated being. I’m sure they could train just about any animal to serve in a tavern, and it would be better than the best western server out there. In which case, yes, Eff your Ell indeed.

WoW, are you ever lucky

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don’t answer my texts. FML

I think it’s time for you to step back from the keyboard and count your lucky stars, young man. Not only is your girlfriend way more popular than you — from which we can infer a variety of things about her character and disposition — but she sticks with you in spite of the fact that you spend presumably a significant amount of your own time sitting in your room playing World of Warcraft.

Your anti-social tendencies make it so that you’d rather plan raids with your online pals than spend time with people in the real world… but YOU STILL HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. This is a feat unto itself, you strange little man. So no one’s Ell is being Effed right now. Be thankful.

NOW GO FORTH, MIGHTY DWARF KNIGHT!

But that isn’t going to stop me from providing a thorough analysis on this weird little meme. Hey, it’s Friday after all, and that means it’s time for me to take out the old “advice stick” and beat these sad sacks about their virtual heads with it.

Welcome once again to FML Friday.

Dog eat dog

Today, I was eating a hotdog. My huge Siberian Husky, upon becoming aware of this, jumped up on me. He forced his tongue into my mouth and ate the food I was in the middle of eating. FML

You’re a bad person. You know why? Because I have a huge Siberian Husky. Now let’s suppose, at minimum and assuming similar hugeness, we compare our two dogs. When someone is eating in my house, the dog lays down. He’s not allowed to beg, or jump or even whine. If he whines, he’s out. So he knows not to bullshit around super time.

He’s only one year old.

You’re a bad person because if a lazy schmuck like me can train an energetic, half-stupid husky to not be an asshole, then anyone can. You deserved to have that hot dog snatched from your mouth (for the love of pete. Did you experience spontaneous paralysis somehow when this whole thing was going down?). You shouldn’t be permitted to eat again until this dog behaves like a perfect gentleman.

Hot coffee… no, really

Today, after taking my girlfriend on a date, she invited me back to her place for “hot coffee and dessert”. Excitedly, I said yes. When we got there, we actually had coffee and dessert. When I told her this wasn’t what I’d had in mind, she kicked me out for being a pervert. FML

I feel like you should know not to do this. Isn’t it common sense? She asks you to come in for dessert and coffee… Since when is this a euphemism for sex? Just because you’re invited in doesn’t mean you get laid by default.

If she’d said, “Want to come in for a night cap,” then great! That is very likely to lead somewhere. But coffee and dessert?

You know what, you’re an idiot. This girl obviously likes you enough to invite you to come in and spend some more time with her; she even feeds you some sweet pastries, a nice fresh cup of coffee, and you’re concerned your pants were on the whole time.

AND THEN like a true and utter wang, you told her you thought this was it. That sex was imminent. AFTER YOU ATE HER DESSERT AND DRANK HER COFFEE!

If you’re one of those people who can’t read people at all — and you didn’t know enough to realize this “girlfriend” of yours wasn’t feeling it that night. UGH. You suck, sir. Deeply and without sex.

Dontcha put it in your mouth, uh uh

Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I’d forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML

I will readily admit to enjoying the “me” time I experience in the bathroom (and no, I don’t mean it that way GUY WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHAT DESSERT AND COFFEE IS). That smelly solitude — maybe the warmth and companionship of a Reader’s Digest — can be a most relaxing time.

But not once, not ever, not even ON PURPOSE, did I fail to wash my hands afterward. I mean, it’s poop. If there’s even a RISK that you got some on your hand, you wash that thing. Do you understand what I’m saying? I can’t believe I had to read that there’s someone on this planet with access to soap and water who doesn’t wash his hands after utterly devastating the gleaming porcelain in your toilet.

And there’s ALWAYS a risk of “exposure.” No excuses, this isn’t something you should be lazy about. Wash your fucking hands after you go to the bathroom.

Seeing is believing

Today, I got a call from my optometrist. I ignored the call, because I already knew I had my appointment tomorrow. When I listened to my messages later, I found out it was from his secretary, saying all of his appointments have been canceled due to him passing away last night. FML

You’re a selfish git, did you know that? Oh, sure your life is hard. You need to have your eyes checked. Meanwhile, the guy who normally checks your eyes has checked so many eyes in his lifetime that it appears to have killed him.

Here’s some perspective for you: you can get a referral, and a new eye doctor. Stop feeling bad because you were inconvenienced by a missed appointment. Someone died and it wasn’t you. Your life is fine.

Friendly fire

Today, I found out my little sister is a pyromaniac. She set my bed on fire. FML

A band called Midnight Oil once asked, “How do we dance when our earth is turning? How do we sleep when our beds are burning?” The answer is, you don’t.

When your bed’s burning, you sort out who did it (your little sister), then you call the authorities (the police) and a mental health professional (a child psychologist) and you nip that shit in the bud before little Molly starts torching more important bits of property… like the television or Playstation 3.

Get some ball(s)

Today, I watched Cast Away with my girlfriend after not seeing it for a year. I forgot how sad it was when Wilson “dies” at the end. I cried. My girlfriend told me to man up. FML

As someone who cries at every movie — Up, Forrest Gump, Showgirls (but only because I was forced to watch it) — I can only conclude that your girlfriend is a huge jerk. And that you, like me, are a huge pussy.

And that’s cool. Some girls like a sensitive man. While others, like your girlfriend, finds it to be a complete and utter turnoff. And to be fair, you were crying about a volleyball that a crazy man painted a face on.

So yeah, your life is effed. Accept it, move on, and keep the tissue nearby.

Or it’s just a style choice.

Either way: dumb.

And either way, we have this week’s installment of FML Friday. Something for you to read over lunch. And then choke on your sandwich. FYL.

Down the pooper

Today, I got stuck in my apartment’s garbage chute. FML

Scant on the details, huh? I wonder what you mean, exactly. Did you try to climb into your apartment’s garbage chute and get stuck about half way down? Did you catch your sleeve on the opening when depositing garbage? Either way, you’re an awful storyteller, and you just haven’t engaged with the reader.

Next time try this: “Today, I’m boring and a terrible writer. FML.”

SMS drama

Today, at 1am, the girl of my dreams that I’ve been trying for over three years to date, finally asked me out via SMS. Too bad I was asleep at the time. She now thinks I’ve rejected her, and will no longer speak to me. FML

So, you were interested in dating a lunatic who thinks it’s kosher to ask someone out OVER SMS after most human beings in the same timezone have gone to bed. And you believe now that your life is effed because you, like most people, require sleep and aren’t chained to your mobile 24/7.

Listen, buddy, I get it. She’s the girl of your dreams. But ask yourself this: would the girl of your dreams try to interrupt your sleep with some half-hearted late-night text message that said, “Letz go steddy LOLZ!!1eleven,” and then get pissed off when you fail to immediately reply? I doubt it.

The girl of your dreams likely uses her mobile to decode numeric keypads as the two of you wander around the nation solving mysteries and catching bad guys. At least, that’s what the girl of my dreams does, right Rachel?

My girlfriend, the plumber

Today, my boyfriend called me over, all just to unclog his toilet. It was clogged because he put my phone in it while he was taking a dump to see if it would actually flush. FML

I’m not even sure how to put this, except that my faucet is leaking. Can you come over and fix it? I’ll be your boyfriend (right Rachel?)

In our weekly installment of FML Friday, we take to task those individuals whose “woe-is-me” attitude makes them sound… well, like a bunch of whiny babies would happen to have internet access. It’s a way for us to vent about our own inadequacies without actually publishing them.

Enjoy!

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

I honestly doubt this is true. Even the shittiest dorms will issue a warning before they fine you for a noise complaint. Unless you slipped in the shower repeatedly throughout the day, because that’s where you decided to hang out, and then pulled down the towel rack, reinstalled it, then pulled it down again, I think this is a lie.

Or maybe it’s true. Maybe you do this every time you take a shower and the people living below you decided enough was enough. Either way, you should buy some of those grippy shower shoes before you kill yourself and your roommate posts an FML about finding your bloated, rotting corpse in the bathroom.

Punchify!

Today, I was at work and talking to my boss. Out of habit, I tried to adjust my bra strap and pull it up. My hand slipped off the strap and I punched myself in the face resulting in a fat lip. My boss snorted. He told everyone. FML

What did you honestly expect? When someone punches themselves in the face — for any reason, not just one that’s bra-related — it’s hilarious and other people must be informed. At the same time, though, I wonder what you were doing adjusting your bra strap in front of your boss. It’s almost as bad as a dude scratching his nether regions in front of someone.

I suppose the key difference in that most guys I know don’t wind up punching themselves — in the face or anywhere else — when they perform this rude action.

I think, like you did in front of your boss, you just need to take this one on the chin and pray this information doesn’t trickle out to the rest of your social circle.

Heh. Self-face-punch.

A thirst for power. Teacher power

Today, I finished my classwork and my homework early. Since we weren’t allowed to leave the room, I decided to draw. My teacher noticed and gave me detention for “goofing off” when I should be doing my work. When I told the teacher I was already done, they gave me a second detention for “attempting to defy them”. FML

This is one of those rare moments when I feel for the FMLer. I remember getting into this kind of trouble in high school, where it felt like the teachers couldn’t comprehend what was happening around them, and so their only answer was PUNISHMENT.

It occurred to me, even in my mid-teens, that some teachers took a far too myopic view of the classroom and the world. When confronted with this reality, most teachers stood agape wondering what the meaning of myopic was. When they couldn’t figure it out: PUNISHMENT for insolence.

So Eff your Life, good sir. Sometimes, school is rotten.

So we bring you this FML Friday on a Saturday: a day late and a dollar short. I hope it’s at least entertaining for you.

I’ll have to noodle over it

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? You can’t start a joke with “Three Englishmen walk into a bar,” and have the punchline be “And the German says, ‘Ya das ist nein schpandex lederhosen,’” and expect anyone to laugh. Where the hell did the German come from?

Where the hell did your fork come from? How did you not scald yourself? Where did you learn to tell a story so poorly?

I think the FML here applies to everyone else, since you’ve so thoroughly confused them. And me.

No shit

Today, I was about to take a crap when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML

Wow, you weren’t kidding. Like you REALLY had to go to the bathroom. You must have fallen pretty damned hard to have shit yourself. This is what Schadenfreudists call “a series of unfortunate events.”

You’re teaching your kid some bad habits. First he puts your wallet in the toaster, which I can only assume is because you’re cheap and on some level he knows this. Then you crap your own pants. What kind of message are you sending?

Oh right! The message is that you’re an incontinent douche with poor parenting skills.

Misnomer

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months told me he was not going to celebrate Valentine’s day because it was a “capitalistic consumerism holiday”. He works in a bank and helps “capitalism consumerism” 364 days a year. FML

In spite of your feeble intelligence, there is a difference. One doesn’t use a bank as a means to acquire useless stuffed animals holding hearts, nor boxes of chocolates. They use it to store money. Sure, money’s involved, and I’ll grant you that banks are a representation of capitalism. But consumerism? That’s a bit of a stretch.

Valentine’s Day, on the other hand, has really become about acquiring stuff and buying things, and marking up consumer products, then convincing people to buy them. Banks don’t do that, exactly.

I rule this FML out of order!

The reason this week’s installment of FML Friday is late is because of all the loose ends I’ve had to tie up before I get accosted by a custom’s agent with an overzealous glove hand. But I’m still bringing it, in fine style as well.

FML Friday is a weekly feature where we pick three posts from FMyLife.com and answer them as though they were asking for advice. To be clear: these people aren’t asking for “advice.” But they are asking for “it”. So we give “it” to them. A-like so:

Bacon, anyone?

Today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted breakfast. I had passed out naked on the kitchen floor after a party. FML

Score! You hosted an obviously outstanding party (whenever I’ve woken up on a floor naked, I know it’s been a good night) AND your mom comes bearing the promise of bacon. You’re actually the luckiest person on the planet.

Oh sure, it’s embarrassing that your mother found you that way, but if she’s anything like my mom she’ll be totally understanding about it. If, however, she woke you up because of the spattering grease lightly dappling your nude, hung-over form, then FML indeed.

Run these plates

Today, my car got a wheel lock because I had 5 tickets. Three of those tickets dated back to 2006. I got my car and license in 2008. FML

Dear genius: when you buy a used car, you remove the original license plates and you register it anew with your insurance company. That’s how it works. You don’t use the old license plates (in fact, at least in Canada I think, plates follow the owner, not the car), you get your own.

But, since only three of those tickets can be attributed to someone else, the question ari… actually, no wait. The statement arises: Pay. Your Fucking. Tickets.

WoW, Dad. WoW

Today, I had to explain to my son that his dad was too busy in a raid on World of Warcraft to be at his award ceremony. FML

You know what, lady? Your husband is a total asshole. If you weren’t thinking of divorce before, I certainly hope you are now. I’m not entirely sure what your husband’s WoW raid was going to accomplish, other than the acquisition of new weapons, money and maybe a level up, but he’s a tremendously bad man.

Next time he pulls something like that, I suggest you disconnect the modem, go to your son’s award ceremony, and tell your husband to choke on it.

Meat: it’s what’s for dinner

Today, after having been a vegetarian for 8 years because I’m opposed to cruelty to animals, I lost a bet and had to eat a whole Big Mac. I loved it. FML

Eff your life because you like nasty beef from McDonald’s…? Huh, I never looked at it that way. All that your desire for shitty hamburgers indicates to me is that you’re a closet case of obesity just waiting to happen. And you have a poorly developed palette.

It’s admirable that you had the discipline to not eat meat for 8 years, but what’s absolutely astonishing is that what piqued your desire for meat wasn’t some fabulous slab of prime rib, or even a powerfully seasoned chicken breast… It was a fucking Big Mac.

That’s not a FML, you magnificent douchebag, that’s an epic FAIL.

Marriage fail

Today, my fiancé told me he didn’t have the money to make payments on my engagement ring and that I either have to return it, or make the payments myself. Now we aren’t engaged any more, and are “dating.” FML

You’re “dating,” huh? Why didn’t you “dump his cheap ass” instead?

Look when you get married, you’re required to make all kinds of responsible financial decisions together — the kind of decisions that, if that aren’t made responsibly, can seriously fuck you and your partner over. Your finacé’s snap decision to buy what sounds like a ridiculously expensive engagement ring (at least by his apparent cashflow) should be raising a colossal red flag right about now.

Besides, way to ruin an engagement. If this is the beginning of your life together, I hope it ends as quickly as it started.

Pissed off at potty time

Today, I was potty training my nephew. He had been on the toilet for almost twenty minutes and could not go. My phone started ringing, and as I went to pick it up he knocked it into the toilet. He then proceeded to pee and poop on it. FML

Kids are jerks. My own nephew took a furious dump in his diaper once when I was holding him, and it started leaking out of the sides. It was sick.

But here’s the thing: your FML should have actually ended with FTW. Your nephew peed and pooed on the potty. Your own stupidity resulted in him doing it on your cellphone. I hope your family makes fun of you over this for years to come. But I also hope they thank you for turning a potty-training session into a rousing success.

Also, even though I know it happens all the time, you should never admit to talking to people on the phone in the bathroom, whether you’re the one who’s going or not. It’s wrong.

So your reward for making in through this fabulous week is another installment of our traditional FML Friday. In this soon-to-be crowd-favourite (soon!), we pick a few posts from the site Fmylife.com and answer them like they’re advice column questions. Because let’s face it: if you’re posting your story to Fmylife, you need advice. Or just a smack upside the head.

A-here we go…

Engage!

Today, I bought my girlfriend of 7 years a $20,000 engagement ring. Half way through dinner she explains to me that she is pregnant. I’m a virgin. FML

Well, obviously you’re a virgin. And a spineless git as well. What kind of man is such a doormat that he feels the need to spend half the average annual salary of most people on an engagement ring? Honestly, dude, as far as playing it cool goes, you may as well have fail-whale tattooed all over your forehead. $20K for a piece of jewelry? And what were you going to do for a wedding ring, exactly? I hope you realize that Unobtainium doesn’t actually exist, and that you can’t just fly to Pandora, fight some Na’vi and buy this precious metal (or whatever it is) and turn it into a wedding ring.

But you’re such a pathetic man, that you’ll probably wind up giving her the ring, raising some other guy’s child and then going bankrupt both financially and morally.

Brace yourself

Today, my girlfriend got braces. She is 23 and thought that braces would make her less attractive. Being the good boyfriend I am I decided to show her she’s not… By getting intimate and letting her [edited for the sake of the children]. Four hours later I’m on a hospital bed getting my gf’s braces off my crotch. FML

Wow, stud. You wanted to show her she’s still attractive, so you let her do sexy things to you? That’s your strategy? Jesus.

Listen, there are many ways to make your main squeeze feel good about herself (for example, never call her your “main squeeze” to her face), and getting her to perform a sex act on you isn’t one of them, particularly when there’s a risk she will become stuck (by the way, I know this FML is fake, because what the hell did she get stuck on? Wouldn’t the pain of the stuckness be more worthy of an FML? Dipshit).

Next time, buy her some flowers, take her out for a dinner in public instead of banishing her face to your crotch, you self-serving prick. Wow, I’m grouchy today.

Shouting sex ed

Today, I took my 12 year old to see a PG-13 movie, thinking he was mature enough. They talked about a penis going into a vagina at one point, and he blurted out in front of the audience, “Mom, what is a penis and a vagina?” No longer can I look at him as a normal 12 year old. FML

Fuck your life? Lady, your child is 12 years old and you haven’t taught him what a penis or a vagina is.

Listen, I know as a dead-beat parent you expect the school system and television to take care of the child-rearing while you spend endless hours on Facebook playing Farmville. But your kid’s twelve. I bet he masturbates. And when he does that, what do you suppose he refers to his penis as? What other words have you taught him?

And you know why you can’t look at him as a normal 12-year-old? Because your negligence has resulted in the fact that he knows nothing about his own physiology.

You, madam, are the reason licenses to have children should be doled out sparingly. I hope child services takes your boy away.

Basically it’s an advice column. A very sarcastic, angry advice column.

Fatty-cake, fatty-cake

Today, I found out my boyfriend’s mother has invented a new kind of cake and named it after me: not because it’s delicious, but because of the amount of fat in it. FML

As I see it, there are two possibilities here. The first is that your boyfriend’s mother is actually concerned about your health, and is dropping a not-so-subtle clue. In this case, she means well, even if she lacks tact.

The other possibility is that she’s a raging, passive-aggressive c-bomb.

Listen, here’s what you do — first you tell your boyfriend how upset this made you. If he cares about you — at all — he’ll rightly go and talk to his mother, and try and get this sorted out. If he doesn’t do that, I recommend you find out if it’s possible to make a cake out of douche, and name it after him.

Extra-credit extinction

Today, I got a biology quiz back. I had drawn a dinosaur on the back of the page, asking for extra credit. When my teacher handed it to me, I turned it over to see that he had drawn a caveman shooting arrows at my dinosaur. It was bleeding. Profusely. I didn’t get the extra credit. FML

Really? You’re feeling sorry about yourself because your doodle of a dinosaur didn’t get an extra bit of credit on an exam?

First off, you’re lucky to have such an awesome biology teacher. If my bio teacher had found a doodle of a dinosaur on the back of one of my exams, I’d be staying after class for a stern talking to. You? You have a teacher with a sense of humour, who said “no” to your request for extra credit in a hilarious and witty way.

And, frankly, if you’re hoping to make the biology grade with drawings of dinosaurs… you’ve got much bigger things to be worried about than extra credit. Like passing.

Hell, you should ask your teacher for some help studying — he’s clearly pretty nice and would probably be happy to give you a hand.

Gender-confused crush

Today, I found some pictures of the boy I have a crush on online. Not only is he a crossdresser, but he’s also a better looking woman than I am. FML

You selfish whore! How is your life so much worse than this poor gender confused boy’s? He’s the one who needs compassion and sympathy, not you.

Moreover, if you have a problem with his lifestyle then isn’t it better for you to discover it now, when it’s still just a harmless crush? What would have happened if you started dating this guy? Imagine how much more FMLed your life would be then!

Also, don’t feel too bad about him looking better than you in a dress. Drag-queens spend a lot of time making themselves look that good. Unless you’re prepared to turn looking-good-as-a-girl into a full-time job, you’ll never be nearly as fabulous.

For those who aren’t in the know, FML Friday is a day where I take about three FMLs from the last little while and essentially respond to them, in the time-honoured style of Dear Abby… If Abby was a raging alcoholic.

The sexless life of the sexless

Today, I planted a bit of a condom wrapper in my bed so my housekeeper would think I have a love life. FML

Why you fear the judgment of your housekeeper is beyond me. Presumably, you pay this person to clean your home. Any thoughts around the kind of sex you’re having (or if you’re having any at all) likely don’t concern your housekeeper. He or she probably just wants to clean up your shit and get the hell out of there. Now you have him/her thinking about whether or not his or her hands have touched upon some vile bodily fluid of yours in the process of cleaning.

Thankfully, your housekeeper has nothing to worry about.

Hey, instead of buying condoms and surreptitiously hiding opened wrappers everywhere (thereby wasting the condoms, I can only assume), why don’t you try hooking up with someone. Even the internet can help you with that nowadays.

Lies, and the college students who tell them

Today, my friend whacked me on the family jewels while I was washing my hands in the college bathroom. While I lay writhing in pain on the floor, a guy at the urinal turned around towards me to see what was wrong. He was still peeing. FML

I’m going to straight up declare you a liar here. Sure, it was a college bathroom and there’s a good chance a lot of drunk people pee in there, but I don’t know of a single human being who forgets what he’s doing as he’s whizzing and turns around mid-whizz to start whizzing on someone else. Bullshit.

You’re the kind of sad douchebag who requires validation from social sites like fmylife.com in order to feel accepted. I have no doubt that your dumbass pal sacked you. I further concede that you probably did collapse to the floor, your jewels tainted, as it were. But the story ends there. And it’s a boring story. But you wanted your 15 minutes. So you embellished — lied — on FML.

So yes, I hope FML is indeed the case for you this week.

Empathy

Today, my best friend was texting me about her sick dog. She wrote “Do you think she will get better?”, so I wrote “I hope she does”. It wasn’t until later that I realized I accidentally wrote “I hope she dies” instead. FML

OK, sometimes FMLs aren’t the egregious indictment of the morons who write them. Sometimes they are absolutely deserving of empathy — even sympathy. I think this is one of those times, because I’m certainly guilty of sending out the most inappropriate of SMS typos at the worst possible times.

So I’ll only say this: that sucks, dude. I hope you got it sorted out with your friend. And I hope her dog’s OK. Eff your lÿf indeed.

Instead, I decided this week’s FML Friday would take place today, on Wednesday. I’m still not sure what to make of fmylife.com. On the one hand, people are dumb. On the other hand, I find it disheartening to know that people are this dumb. So in a bid to offer them unbiased advice, I just wind up making fun of them.

Welcome to “FML Friday, The Wednesday Edition™”.

Panic: help me internets!

Today, in an effort to repair our fake Christmas tree, my girlfriend succeeded in gluing it to the floor. I can’t get it loose. FML

So rather than use the internet to try and sort out a solution to un-gluing your tree from your floor, naturally you go directly to FMyLife to register your stupidity…

Listen, guy, if you watched Star Trek you’d know about at least two things: matter and anti-matter. Now I’m no scientitian, but I have it on good authority that if one kind of thing exists in this universe, its direct opposite must naturally exist as well — it’s science.

So what you need to do is nut up, get your ass down to the hardware store, and pick yourself up some anti-glue.

God, some people are so dumb.

Mr Poopy Pants

Today, I was shopping in a packed store when I started to feel faint. Since I was quite far along in the queue, I tried to hold out until I reached the front of the queue. Good news: I succeeded. Bad news: I then fainted at the counter, hit my nose, and shit myself. FML

If this were true, I’d say it sucks to be you. And being somewhat claustrophobic, I think I can safely say that while the above is plausible, I also don’t buy it. You added too much detail, Mr Poopy Pants, especially when you said you shit yourself.

Unless you’re 80 years old, no chance this happened. I have a friend with an irritable bowel, and it takes more than a smack on the head for him to crap himself — it takes, oh I don’t know, landing on his back from 20 feet in the air when he’s trying to pull off a ridiculous snowboarding trick.

You, sir, are either embellishing or outright lying. In the spirit of Christmas, I’ll give the gift of that decision to our readers.

Car camping

Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don’t wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML

Well, this is definitely one of the more selfish things I’ve ever read. Eff your life? You own a car — one good enough to sleep in. Your biggest problem is that you failed to lock the doors to this car, and someone who’s obviously having a much rougher time than you decided to sleep in it. Really? Eff your life?

Before you continue feeling sorry for yourself, let me put this in perspective for you. There are some people out there who have NOTHING. No house, no fancy car, and they probably have to steal glasses in order to see. Who knows if they can even read. Given all of this, you still think you have it rough? Go to hell.

And Merry effin’ Christmas.

Leave us some comments with your own responses!

Respect your elders

Today, my grandpa sent me a letter apologizing for not congratulating me about my graduation last spring. Too bad I don’t graduate until May. FML

This is about the most shallow thing I’ve read since… well, since the last FML Friday. You’re a selfish prick, whoever you are. Your poor grandfather’s memory is degrading and all he wanted to do was fix a problem. And here you are feeling sorry for yourself. I’m not sure if you’re saying FML because you haven’t graduated yet, or because your grandpa thinks he forgot. Either way, grow the hell up, stop being so selfish and finish school already, degenerate loafer.

The Dog-bite Yo-yo blues

Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it’d be really cool to do the move “dog bite”. I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML

I’m not going to make some pun on using the term yo-yo. You’re not a yo-yo for trying to impressing a girl with a yo-yo trick. You’re a f*&k$@g moron. Seriously, did you really think a yo-yo trick was going to win her heart? I imagine she thought something along these lines when she saw you:

“Oh shit, it’s that weird nerd who keeps whipping out his yo-yo every time I walk by. I hope he hits himself in t… Oh, perfect!”

You’re a dork several orders of magnitude below of what is considered to be “normal dork.” No go put some ice on those testes of yours, stud.

Try the tough love approach

Today, I tried to rid my son of his pacifier. He still uses it to sleep. My son is 20 years old. FML

I decided the best way to address this particularly depressing FML is to edit it:

Today, I tried to get rid of my son.

Honestly, I don’t know what’s worse — that this parents hasn’t launched his or her son into the upper atmosphere for being such a little bitch, or the fact that this person’s now broadcasting her problem on FML. More like eff HIS life. He’s the sad piece of shit who still needs to be pacified in order to sleep. What you need is an intervention, and not one of those trumped-up-production-value A&E Interventions either. You need a psychologist who knows a martial art to abduct and de-program your son.

Now please just tell me he doesn’t still live at home…

Leave us some comments with your own responses!

Employee recognition

Today, I didn’t get promoted, but the guy who showed up to work drunk a few weeks ago did. FML

That does indeed suck. But ask yourself this: why would some drunk doofus get promoted over you? Obviously, this guy is good enough at what he does — way more than you, in fact — that he can show up to work inebriated and still perform well enough to merit a new position in pay raise. You, on the other hand, have neither the skill nor dedication to do your job well enough even when you’re sober. Maybe try harder and don’t focus on what the drunk guy is up to. Unless he’s your new boss. Then you’d better listen to him, but good.

Relationship Woes

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry, because it gives more cushion for the pushin’ anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at my dingleberries. FML

I can only assume that you’re 15 and this is your first relationship. I say this because you broke an obvious cardinal rule of dating. A rule in general, actually: never refer to your testicles as “dingleberries.” It makes you sound like a moron.

Now, anyone who’s ever dated anyone — or watched a sitcom for that matter — knows that you shouldn’t agree with someone when they say they think they’re getting fat. Even if you think it’s true, the polite thing is to deny it until someone gets mad at you for doing so. In the real world, we call this erring on the side of caution. Which everyone should do if they want to keep their “dingleberries” from getting “lamped.”

More relationship woes

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He was quiet, I heard barking in the background. FML

I think rather than feeling sorry for yourself you should be asking some pretty hard questions. Here, let me help: “Why would my boyfriend of 6 months choose to have a dog rather than stay with me?” See, that wasn’t so hard.

What might be more difficult to sort out is the answer. But I can help you with that too, “Probably because a dog will offer unconditional love and even though he might take a whiz on the carpet every now and then, the dog is still way easier to deal with than you are.” Amazing, right? And I don’t even know you!

Now here’s the best advice you’ll ever get from some random dude on the internet: be more like a dog, but don’t be a bitch.

Leave us some comments with your own responses!

Pissed off

Today, I went to get blood and urine tests done before work. As I was attempting to aim into the cup, I lost balance and slipped. I ended up peeing on my sleeves and my pants. I was late for work and I smelled like pee. FML

Great, another genius. Listen, pal: I assume like most people you work with others, unless you’re a vending machine refiller. And even if you are, there’s a fairly good chance there will be other human beings around you throughout the day — human beings with functional nostrils. Nobody like the smell of piss, least of all when it’s literally radiating off another person. A smart individual would have rolled the dice, called the boss, and said, “I’m gonna be a bit late.” Hell, you might have even said, “You’ll never believe what a huge knob I am…” And shared your tale of woe. Instead you go to work smelling of urine AND you feel sorry for yourself. Which is probably OK, since no one else does.

Reach for the top

Today, I bought $300 worth of climbing equipment because I had lost mine six months ago, I hadn’t gone to the climbing gym since I’d lost it. I went today because I was so excited to go climbing again. However, it turns out that I’d left my gear there, and it had been in the “Lost & Found” for the past six months. FML

Now, I haven’t been shopping lately, but I’m pretty sure there’s this modern convenience called the “receipt.” These are small bits of paper that detail your purchase, and they include item descriptions, prices, taxes, discounts and even clever little messages. Oh, you’ve heard of this thing? So you know that it’s probably a trivial matter to return your $300 worth of new gear and resume using your old stuff? Oh… you didn’t know that? Because you’re actually a moron? Well now you know about receipts and return stuff to stores if you don’t need them. You may retract your FML, dingus.

Hello, I’m a doormat

Today, while stepping out of the shower, I slipped and cut my head. I went to the hospital, got 8 stitches and was tested for head trauma. After hours of ignoring my calls and texts, my girlfriend finally responded, very angrily. Why? Today is her birthday, and I “selfishly made it about me.” FML

OK, “man,” it’s time for you to nut up. You could have killed yourself — I know, I once slipped in a bathtub at a resort in Cuba, and the toilet nearly took my head off, but that’s a story for another time. Meanwhile, this hag you call a girlfriend chastises you for making her birthday about you? Look, I know that not every relationship is marriage material, and sometimes it’s cool to stay with someone you know you have no future with, but lose the doormat act, “man.” Tell this girl where to go, and kindly show her the door.

You think you have it bad? This guy's office is in the middle of the road

Welcome to a new weekly feature at the Unknown Studio, wherein either Scott or myself take to task the writers of FML entries, either for being pathetic, obviously fake, or oblivious to how ridiculous they are. It’s like an advice column for d-bags. You’ll get the hang of it as we go. Remember, it’s all in fun; these people post this stuff on the web, which means we get to make fun of them.

Leave us some comments with your own responses!

Boo-freakin’-hoo

“Today, my doctor told me that I have an ingrown testicle in my abdomen. I am a 24-year-old woman. FML.”

That’s it? Listen, I can understand you might be questioning your own sexuality right now, and fair enough. But it’s an INgrown testical. It’s not like a ball suddenly dropped while you were out in public wearing a really, really short skirt (that would have been worthy of an FML). You haven’t been diagnosed with cancer or anything. I’d say it’s time for you to count your chickens and thank whatever gods you believe your doctor doesn’t have to, like, amputate your leg, or something. And maybe have that testicle removed.

Bloody job-hunting…

“Today, I was walking into the building I hoped to work in someday with my resume, ready to be interviewed. As I walked through the doors I had to sneeze, so lifted my hands and sneezed a huge bloody booger right in the middle of the cover page. Turns out future employers don’t like that. FML”

Let me get this straight: you violently bled on a copy of your resume, then decided to hand it over to someone who wasn’t taking a sample of your blood during a job interview? Are you completely batshit? Here’s how you could have handled this: “Hey, I’m An Idiot, nice to meet you. Listen, I had a little problem with my resume, so after the interview I’ll just email you a copy. It’s nothing serious, just a bit of a accident out in the lobby is all.” There. Done. How hard was that? Instead you squandered a perfectly good job opportunity because you don’t get that it’s not cool to give people documents covered in your own bloody mucous.

Pity party

“Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn’t trust her after cheating on me with 3 guys. Our friends are sad about it so they’re throwing her a pity party. Now I’m single and I have no friends. FML”

Wow, dude it sounds like you’re throwing yourself your own little pity party, too. Maybe you should stop and ask yourself *why* they’re throwing your cheating bag of a girlfriend a party and not you. Hell, maybe you should ask yourself why she cheated on you with 3 guys. It’s time to do some soul-searching, bub. And guess what? You get it to it solo.